Forget an Acai Berry or a Tapeworm. Throw out your books on Atkins and Zone diets. Stop counting calories and gauging fats and carbs and sugars. I'm here to tell you about the BEST new "fad diet"...Being Broke
If you ever met anyone in college that gained the "freshman fifteen," be friends with them immediately because their parents are rich, or they are disillusioned into believing they will make enough money in the long run to pay back their extraordinary loans (that they undoubtedly were approved for because their parents are rich) The only assholes that gain the "freshman fifteen" are the lazy porkers who are reveling in their first time away from mommy and daddy, with all the same comforts of still having their hand in their parent's wallet. To avoid being fat, be independent, and look damn good doing it through no choice of your own.
When I tried college for the first time, I didn't have much at all. I didn't have a meal plan or a place to take naps between classes because I couldn't afford to live on campus. I didn't have much of my own money left over in my savings after books and bills and gas. The little my parent's did give me all went to tuition so I wouldn't have to take out a large loan. The minuscule scholarship I won covered greedy expenses like my equipment for Japanese Tea Ceremony classes, and paying my friends half price in cash to eat on their prepaid meal plans. And you know what? I looked GREAT! That semester opened my eyes to the easiest way to loose weight - Not eating! Not because I wasn't hungry, or because I was trying to loose weight, or even because I didn't have the time. I literally could not afford to eat, and I lost somewhere between 10 and 15 pounds in 4 months!
Once I dropped out of college and had money again, it never occurred to me I would gain the weight back and was confused when I had to start a real diet of healthier food and regular exercise. I attributed this to my increasing age, not bank account and didn't remember my awesome/easy/forced diet...until now. Yes, now that I am broke again I am looking better than ever! So I thought I would share the steps to the best fad diet since baby food.
I can't say in the least bit this is a healthy "diet" but it's quick, and if you are doing it right, it is extremely easy! The first step to this diet is to not have money, and that is a lot easier than you think. You could not have money for any reason you'd like, which is the most appealing part of this diet as it makes you feel like you are in control. For example, you could have a serious drug or gambling problem, buy yourself a brand new pimped out car, have a baby, travel the world, or buy some nouveau riche crap to decorate your house with. Or, like myself, you could just not make enough money at your day job to cover your day to day expenses! Being broke really just consists of spending more money than you make...just not on food.
The second step is to realize your priorities, such as bill paying, needing clothes, or wanting to get your nails done. Make eating the least important of your priorities and SHA-ZAM! it will be the hardest thing to justify spending money on. Once you get into the habit of preferring shiny objects to self preservation, the next step is to mind your P's and S's...Portions and Substitutions
Portioning is probably the hardest part of this "diet" but is still pretty damn easy! Because you are broke and you can't justify spending money on food at this point, you are going to have to justify eating at all by making sure what you are eating is healthy. "Healthy? I thought you said this was EASY and ENJOYABLE" Relax! First of all I never said starving yourself was going to be enjoyable, but eating healthy is a lot easier when you are Portioning. You want to buy things that you can get two or more meals from to make the cost worth it. The less you eat the smaller your stomach gets and the less you can eat in one sitting anyway, so in the long run your body will basically force you to not be able to finish a whole sandwich at one time. When you MUST spend money on food, don't run out and buy the whole dollar menu, go to a store and look for the same thing you enjoy with a lean twist, or a way to buy what you enjoy in bulk pre-portioned packs. Most things that say "Low Carb" "No Fat" or "Lean" aren't really that much better for you anyway, so it's the AMOUNT of what you are eating that is important. Just because Hot Pockets come 2 in a box, doesn't mean you need to eat both, and Lean Pockets taste just as damn good!
Substitution is the last part, and is as simple as it sounds. When you are hungry, drink something instead of eating something. A drink is most often cheaper than any kind of meal, even a small one, and can make you feel just as full if you drink something good. Obviously the more water you drink the better hydrated you are and the more you can flush your system, but let's face it, water isn't going to keep you from passing out at any given moment from the lack of nutrition your body is getting. Get water with vitamins, or a sports drink, if you are on the go. Coffee, tea (iced or hot) and fruit punch can be purchased as mixes so you can add as much or as little as you would like to some water. Obviously the less you use, the more drinks you will be able to make, cheaper. SODA IS NOT RECOMMENDED EVER. It will probably dehydrate you more, and since you are already starving yourself, it's not the best idea. Try to stay away from sugar as a whole as it is not very good for you, and if you live in America they are going to start taxing it anyway! Other substitutions for eating include: gum chewing, job hunting, smoking, sleeping, exercising and taking up a hobby. The most effective beside drinking is probably smoking as it will make you feel sick enough to not want to eat, and will shorten the life span that you want to be skinny for anyway!
And there you have it! You will have things you want, AND a nicer figure. All by simply refusing to pay for things you need, like food. When people ask you if you have an eating disorder, tell them to read up on the new awesome diet "Being Broke" here at OMB! When they tell you this is probably not a real diet and the person who writes this blog is a sarcastic prick who makes you think your bad ideas and lifestyles are perfectly OK, eat them...I'm sure you will be hungry enough to by then!
Hungrily Yours,
SarahM
