In my line of work, everything needs to be done "IMMEDIATELY!!!!" - Everything is a "rush" - Everything is due tomorrow - Everything is critical - And try as one might, no one is ever compliant or nice - Rarely is anything just done right the first time and there is no stress
My parents (well, more like my mom) raised me on old school metaphors - There were always the ones that made sense like "Don't count your chickens before they hatch", which means you shouldn't expect anything to happen until it does, you should only do the work and be hopeful it turns out right because life is unpredictable - OK, got it. - But there were always other ones that were silly
In this instance, the silly one is "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar" - Well, I'm not looking to catch any flies, I'm looking to get shit done, and in the corporate world, its quite rare you will find someone willing to do something for you just because you were nice about it - Quite the contrary actually - If you want something done fast or at all, you have to harass people day after day and when they still don't comply, you have to threaten them with a court appearance
I would love to say this is just because the corporate world is "dog eat dog" as it were, but this is simply not the case - No, people in general don't respond to the polite approach anymore - When people are polite, other people take advantage of the politeness - Ever hold a door for someone and everyone assumes you are holding it for them and no one takes the door while you stand there like a fool and end up being late for work only to be reprimanded for not calling ahead of time if you would be late? Well if you haven't, then you are one of those assholes who would walk right through that door and not even say "thank you" as you walked by - Stop being so selfish you jerk.
The solution: always be a dick - When you are an asshole, that forces the other person to be the nice guy you can take advantage of - You can only get ahead in life by stepping on the faces of people who are willing to let you take their credit or on the toes of the people who are holding the door for you while you yell on your cell phone to your poor secretary who has been in the office for the past two hours trying to get you ready for the meeting you told her about at 4:58 last night - you deserve this big guy, you worked hard to be a douche bag
hurriedly yours,
Sarah M.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
how to survive a zombie attack
As a friend of Heather and Nikki, I have learned to always be prepared...for zombies
Zombies are a very real threat - The epidemic is a sneaky and fast spreading one - All it takes is one little nibble and there you are, one of the un-dead - The only way to beat it, is to over come it, and you do that by staying alive...so here are some tips on how to survive a zombie attack
First things first, and this should be an obvious one, DO NOT become a zombie - You will become more interested in eating brains than shooting your fellow zombies in the head, so just don't do it! At the sign of the first moaning, incoherent person you see, pick up a form of weaponry and get the fuck out of there! You might want to double check if its early in the morning or before your boss has had their coffee - Sometimes people you may think are zombies are really regular people who are hungover or just plain tired...you don't want to get fired for bludgeoning your boss in the face with your stapler when there really is no threat of a zombie take over - Then you are shit out of luck for an extra place to go when the zombies DO attack
Most zombies became zombies because they were too trusting of zombie family members - Zombies always go after their own kin first, just like vampires...easy pickin's! - So if you are late to rise and didn't get a chance to leave your house before you noticed the zombies, pick up a form of weaponry and get the fuck out of there! Your mom is NOT checking to see if you got up for school yet, shes checking to see if your brains are still nice and human for the eating - Your grandfather is NOT trying to give you a hug, he is trying to bite your face off - Kill them both and roll out
This is a great time to discuss types of weaponry - An important fact is the longer the range, the better the weapon - while throwing hard objects is always a quick way out, it wont last forever...once you throw something, if its not on a string, you would have to retrieve it, and trust me, you aren't getting out alive if you run into a crowd of zombies to pick up the stapler you thew when you realized your boss was, in fact, a zombie - Guns, rifles, cross-bows, cannons, missile launchers and bazookas are great...but all require ammo, so have a back up! Anything that blows up will give you time you might not have had without it, but the ultimate weapon in zombie killing is a sword, preferably a samurai sword (e.g. katana: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katana) - if you don't have one, don't worry, a long piece of wood, preferably one with a sharpened edge, or with knives affixed to the side would be an OK substitute until you looted a place that would have a samurai sword...and yes, it is OK to loot when zombies are attacking - When everyone is fighting for their life, ethics go out the window
ALWAYS aim for the head - zombies will get back up if you don't destroy their brains - don't hold out and hope that a zombie will eat another zombie - they are oblivious to each other as they are to everything that is not human - a zombie's sole purpose is to feed on humans so they do not decompose into nothing - even when you are the un-dead you look out for yourself, because people are selfish...even in the afterlife
So now that you've got your make-shift sword and you've officially gotten the fuck out of there, where are you going? The entire neighborhood is full of zombies and you just killed your mom and grandpa - Naturally, you are coming to find me! You will only last so long on your own, so form a group with every person you find that is not a zombie and get on the move, however if a person is nicked, leave them behind, they will only end up eating you later if you keep them around
If you have nothing to fight for, you wont be able to keep up the struggle, so just keep thinking about this blog and how my friends and I are just relaxing, killing zombies and waiting to start the new world order since we are always prepared for a zombie attack and will of course have everything under control where we are - Unfortunately, I can not disclose the whereabouts of our company until after the zombies have attacked - If a person who reads this blog becomes a zombie before anyone really notices there are zombies, we would all be screwed - So get yourself to a radio station and try to find our signal - if you cant pick up a signal, try getting to a computer to read this blog, I will no doubt be bitching about how zombies are just like drunks
Now you know how to survive a zombie attack - To be extra prepared, take up fencing or archery - To be even more prepared, make sure your friends read this post and you all discuss your own plan for surviving zombies - There is never a limit to how prepared you are against the supernatural - Good luck! I anticipate saving your life someday!
vitally yours,
Sarah M.
Zombies are a very real threat - The epidemic is a sneaky and fast spreading one - All it takes is one little nibble and there you are, one of the un-dead - The only way to beat it, is to over come it, and you do that by staying alive...so here are some tips on how to survive a zombie attack
First things first, and this should be an obvious one, DO NOT become a zombie - You will become more interested in eating brains than shooting your fellow zombies in the head, so just don't do it! At the sign of the first moaning, incoherent person you see, pick up a form of weaponry and get the fuck out of there! You might want to double check if its early in the morning or before your boss has had their coffee - Sometimes people you may think are zombies are really regular people who are hungover or just plain tired...you don't want to get fired for bludgeoning your boss in the face with your stapler when there really is no threat of a zombie take over - Then you are shit out of luck for an extra place to go when the zombies DO attack
Most zombies became zombies because they were too trusting of zombie family members - Zombies always go after their own kin first, just like vampires...easy pickin's! - So if you are late to rise and didn't get a chance to leave your house before you noticed the zombies, pick up a form of weaponry and get the fuck out of there! Your mom is NOT checking to see if you got up for school yet, shes checking to see if your brains are still nice and human for the eating - Your grandfather is NOT trying to give you a hug, he is trying to bite your face off - Kill them both and roll out
This is a great time to discuss types of weaponry - An important fact is the longer the range, the better the weapon - while throwing hard objects is always a quick way out, it wont last forever...once you throw something, if its not on a string, you would have to retrieve it, and trust me, you aren't getting out alive if you run into a crowd of zombies to pick up the stapler you thew when you realized your boss was, in fact, a zombie - Guns, rifles, cross-bows, cannons, missile launchers and bazookas are great...but all require ammo, so have a back up! Anything that blows up will give you time you might not have had without it, but the ultimate weapon in zombie killing is a sword, preferably a samurai sword (e.g. katana: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katana) - if you don't have one, don't worry, a long piece of wood, preferably one with a sharpened edge, or with knives affixed to the side would be an OK substitute until you looted a place that would have a samurai sword...and yes, it is OK to loot when zombies are attacking - When everyone is fighting for their life, ethics go out the window
ALWAYS aim for the head - zombies will get back up if you don't destroy their brains - don't hold out and hope that a zombie will eat another zombie - they are oblivious to each other as they are to everything that is not human - a zombie's sole purpose is to feed on humans so they do not decompose into nothing - even when you are the un-dead you look out for yourself, because people are selfish...even in the afterlife
So now that you've got your make-shift sword and you've officially gotten the fuck out of there, where are you going? The entire neighborhood is full of zombies and you just killed your mom and grandpa - Naturally, you are coming to find me! You will only last so long on your own, so form a group with every person you find that is not a zombie and get on the move, however if a person is nicked, leave them behind, they will only end up eating you later if you keep them around
If you have nothing to fight for, you wont be able to keep up the struggle, so just keep thinking about this blog and how my friends and I are just relaxing, killing zombies and waiting to start the new world order since we are always prepared for a zombie attack and will of course have everything under control where we are - Unfortunately, I can not disclose the whereabouts of our company until after the zombies have attacked - If a person who reads this blog becomes a zombie before anyone really notices there are zombies, we would all be screwed - So get yourself to a radio station and try to find our signal - if you cant pick up a signal, try getting to a computer to read this blog, I will no doubt be bitching about how zombies are just like drunks
Now you know how to survive a zombie attack - To be extra prepared, take up fencing or archery - To be even more prepared, make sure your friends read this post and you all discuss your own plan for surviving zombies - There is never a limit to how prepared you are against the supernatural - Good luck! I anticipate saving your life someday!
vitally yours,
Sarah M.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
things that are overrated - take one
Friends.
Everyone wants a friend - Everyone wants to be a friend - But where do friends get you? No where.
I'm not talking about the "friends in high places" because, lets face it, those people aren't actually your friends, they are using you like you are using them to get better things - No, I'm talking about the average, everyday, run of the mill pain in the asses that you hang out with because that makes you happy - why does it make you happy? because having lots of friends means you are popular and being popular is very socially acceptable - in fact, it seems like it is one of life's most craved goals
Friends are about as useful as a pet - with the exception that a pet can't talk back, or steal your money...or your boyfriend - you have to feed them, entertain them, clean up after them...you even have to buy them things on their birthday or on Christmas - friends are nothing more than another monthly, possibly weekly, expense
Most people only care about themselves - the more friends you have, the more people you have to pretend to give a shit about - None of these people care about you, just like you don't really care about them, but you put on the facade because after all, being popular makes you happy
The same "friends" you would ditch to hang out with someone better are the people who would no sooner stab you in the back because one of their friends didn't like you - The same "friends" you gossip about when they aren't around are the people who post pictures of your bare ass being escorted out of a club for stripping to your birthday suit and dancing on the bar on their facebooks and myspaces
So my advice to you is to tell all your friends what you really think about them - if you do, it will make not hanging out with them much easier to accomplish since you are now no longer popular - get yourself a pet...probably a cat - and stop drinking so much - No one wants to see your bare ass dancing on a bar
friendlessly yours,
Sarah M.
Everyone wants a friend - Everyone wants to be a friend - But where do friends get you? No where.
I'm not talking about the "friends in high places" because, lets face it, those people aren't actually your friends, they are using you like you are using them to get better things - No, I'm talking about the average, everyday, run of the mill pain in the asses that you hang out with because that makes you happy - why does it make you happy? because having lots of friends means you are popular and being popular is very socially acceptable - in fact, it seems like it is one of life's most craved goals
Friends are about as useful as a pet - with the exception that a pet can't talk back, or steal your money...or your boyfriend - you have to feed them, entertain them, clean up after them...you even have to buy them things on their birthday or on Christmas - friends are nothing more than another monthly, possibly weekly, expense
Most people only care about themselves - the more friends you have, the more people you have to pretend to give a shit about - None of these people care about you, just like you don't really care about them, but you put on the facade because after all, being popular makes you happy
The same "friends" you would ditch to hang out with someone better are the people who would no sooner stab you in the back because one of their friends didn't like you - The same "friends" you gossip about when they aren't around are the people who post pictures of your bare ass being escorted out of a club for stripping to your birthday suit and dancing on the bar on their facebooks and myspaces
So my advice to you is to tell all your friends what you really think about them - if you do, it will make not hanging out with them much easier to accomplish since you are now no longer popular - get yourself a pet...probably a cat - and stop drinking so much - No one wants to see your bare ass dancing on a bar
friendlessly yours,
Sarah M.
you are American-American, not "Insert County Here"-American
With the inauguration of our first "African-American" President, I have to point out that I hate the classification of "Insert County Here"-American
If you are born in France to American parents, you are not an American-French, you are American (after 1994 of course) - and as is so with any other country
Maybe you love your heritage or culture, maybe you identify more with one than another, but if you were born in America to residents of America, you are an American, a U.S. citizen - Even if your parent's were not born as U.S. citizens, if you are born here, you are American - so stop trying to identify yourself as something you are not - it only makes things like racism more predominant in a country where most of us could trace our heritage back to every culture or race seeing as America is the original "Melting-Pot"
What should be a positive type of classification, to have one not forget their roots, is becoming a means to believe you are different or better than anyone else born in this county - just because your skin is darker or lighter than anyone else does not make you better or worse - it does not change your ability to learn or get sick - it does not stop you from growing old or practicing any religion you choose - in fact no matter how much your skin does or does not match the color of someone else, everyone has their own complexion - pimples, rashes, wrinkles, oil, dry spots etc. - I'm not a "light oily skinned"-American, I'm just an American
So knock it off Mr. President...you, along with everyone else that decides race is determined by how you look, are incorrect - according to this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Race_and_ethnicity_in_the_United_States_Census, you would be "White American" from your mom being an American with European descendants, "African-American" from your dad being Kenyan, and "Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander" from being born in Honolulu - you sir are a "mutt" like most of us...why only identify with one? Why not bring the positive message that we are all from different cultures, but what keeps us common to each other is that we are all Americans? Is the idea of being a native of a country full of free individuals with the right to speak up and be involved in our government not something we should want to identify with?
Drop your label, even for a day - It might change your perspective on things, because you can be "Japanese, Indian, Canadian"-American, but it doesn't make you any less American - Buy yourself an American flag, put it in your front yard or hang it from a window - Celebrate your freedom instead of your differences - Create your own traditions - And most importantly, pay your taxes!
Americanly Yours,
Sarah M.
If you are born in France to American parents, you are not an American-French, you are American (after 1994 of course) - and as is so with any other country
Maybe you love your heritage or culture, maybe you identify more with one than another, but if you were born in America to residents of America, you are an American, a U.S. citizen - Even if your parent's were not born as U.S. citizens, if you are born here, you are American - so stop trying to identify yourself as something you are not - it only makes things like racism more predominant in a country where most of us could trace our heritage back to every culture or race seeing as America is the original "Melting-Pot"
What should be a positive type of classification, to have one not forget their roots, is becoming a means to believe you are different or better than anyone else born in this county - just because your skin is darker or lighter than anyone else does not make you better or worse - it does not change your ability to learn or get sick - it does not stop you from growing old or practicing any religion you choose - in fact no matter how much your skin does or does not match the color of someone else, everyone has their own complexion - pimples, rashes, wrinkles, oil, dry spots etc. - I'm not a "light oily skinned"-American, I'm just an American
So knock it off Mr. President...you, along with everyone else that decides race is determined by how you look, are incorrect - according to this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Race_and_ethnicity_in_the_United_States_Census, you would be "White American" from your mom being an American with European descendants, "African-American" from your dad being Kenyan, and "Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander" from being born in Honolulu - you sir are a "mutt" like most of us...why only identify with one? Why not bring the positive message that we are all from different cultures, but what keeps us common to each other is that we are all Americans? Is the idea of being a native of a country full of free individuals with the right to speak up and be involved in our government not something we should want to identify with?
Drop your label, even for a day - It might change your perspective on things, because you can be "Japanese, Indian, Canadian"-American, but it doesn't make you any less American - Buy yourself an American flag, put it in your front yard or hang it from a window - Celebrate your freedom instead of your differences - Create your own traditions - And most importantly, pay your taxes!
Americanly Yours,
Sarah M.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Snow Day
It doesn't matter how old I get, or how much I hate the cold weather - It doesn't matter how much I'll ache the next day from working body parts I haven't used since the summer - There is just something so awesome about fresh, white snow that makes the kid in me peek out the window and turn on the TV hoping for a snow day so I can stay home and play in it!
Unfortunately, living in a relatively busy and populated city, our transit system puts salt down the night before snow is expected and streets are shoveled way before anyone gets up - We have to get about six inches overnight and have the snow fall steady through to the morning to hope for a day off - Clearly much more than the few inches it took to get off from school...damn being a working adult
Still, I couldn't help but just want to get off my train this morning and make a snow-angel at the North Philadelphia Train Station when I saw they had cleared most, but not all the snow that had fallen yesterday - It was only about an inch or so, but there was so much untouched snow...it was beautiful, and it wanted me to play in it as much as I did
Snow forts are my favorite - Since I was strong enough to pull a sled full of snow I made snow forts with my brother or my friends or just by myself - I always loved to dig or shovel snow (or sand, my favorite part of the beach) and even if I couldn't finish the fort, at least I had cleared a few of my neighbors properties for them - Of course that meant my parents were left to break down all the snow I carried from our neighbors property to ours in an attempt to build something I would forget about once my mom called me in to warm up and have some lunch - Luckily my sister loved to make snowmen and that's how most of my forts ended up
Snowmen are pointless, there isn't enough digging involved, and once your done you cant really play with them - you can dress them up and watch your mom scream when she finds out you used the "good" scarf your grandmother just bought you for Christmas, but you cant tunnel through them - A magic hat never blows onto your property to make your snowman come to life, but strangely enough you watch him slowly die every day it gets a little warmer - Yeah, snowmen are pointless...unless you are sledding into them for destruction
Sledding is AWESOME - especially with those plastic round sleds you always try to spin before you go down the hill and wind up riding all the way down the hill backwards, never expecting the tail bone shattering bump that flips you upside down and face first into the dirty snow - as the day went on the snow got thinner and dirtier but all the more fast and dangerous - I really hope this is how snowboarding turns out
I will be going to Colorado for a snowboarding trip the first weekend in February - Look out for my feelings on it in "Snow Day 2"
Warm, dry, and bitterly yours,
Sarah M.
Unfortunately, living in a relatively busy and populated city, our transit system puts salt down the night before snow is expected and streets are shoveled way before anyone gets up - We have to get about six inches overnight and have the snow fall steady through to the morning to hope for a day off - Clearly much more than the few inches it took to get off from school...damn being a working adult
Still, I couldn't help but just want to get off my train this morning and make a snow-angel at the North Philadelphia Train Station when I saw they had cleared most, but not all the snow that had fallen yesterday - It was only about an inch or so, but there was so much untouched snow...it was beautiful, and it wanted me to play in it as much as I did
Snow forts are my favorite - Since I was strong enough to pull a sled full of snow I made snow forts with my brother or my friends or just by myself - I always loved to dig or shovel snow (or sand, my favorite part of the beach) and even if I couldn't finish the fort, at least I had cleared a few of my neighbors properties for them - Of course that meant my parents were left to break down all the snow I carried from our neighbors property to ours in an attempt to build something I would forget about once my mom called me in to warm up and have some lunch - Luckily my sister loved to make snowmen and that's how most of my forts ended up
Snowmen are pointless, there isn't enough digging involved, and once your done you cant really play with them - you can dress them up and watch your mom scream when she finds out you used the "good" scarf your grandmother just bought you for Christmas, but you cant tunnel through them - A magic hat never blows onto your property to make your snowman come to life, but strangely enough you watch him slowly die every day it gets a little warmer - Yeah, snowmen are pointless...unless you are sledding into them for destruction
Sledding is AWESOME - especially with those plastic round sleds you always try to spin before you go down the hill and wind up riding all the way down the hill backwards, never expecting the tail bone shattering bump that flips you upside down and face first into the dirty snow - as the day went on the snow got thinner and dirtier but all the more fast and dangerous - I really hope this is how snowboarding turns out
I will be going to Colorado for a snowboarding trip the first weekend in February - Look out for my feelings on it in "Snow Day 2"
Warm, dry, and bitterly yours,
Sarah M.
Friday, January 16, 2009
KEEP that frown upside down
In this day and age, well, in this day and age in AMERICA it is looked down on to be a genuinely happy person - this is because there is no reason to be happy if you are an American - even our upper class isn't satisfied - our A-listers have subcategories
If you are happy, you are either on medication or you need to be - your kid is energetic and enjoys running around? He has ADHD, put him on Ritalin - your mom is middle aged and just doesn't have that vitality she once had? Time to suggest anti-depressants!
If this is not the case then you are drunk - drinking is the middle class dream - we work hard for our money, why wouldn't we want to spend it all on binge drinking and feeling like shit the next day? It makes us feel happy so that must mean we are happy...oh, you can drink like a camel and not feel like shit the next day? You, sir, must be a champion and not an alcoholic at all!! Congratulations!
And that girl who goes "oh I don't drink, I don't need to get drunk to have a good time" she has a spoon up her nose for damn sure. If she doesn't, check out her super cool wristbands or her appropriate length skirt...shes a cutter.
We need our things to MAKE us happy, because there is nothing to just plain be happy about - and when we find someone who seems happy, we gossip about what must be wrong with them because there is no reason to be happy if you are an American
So do yourself a favor and just always look miserable - no one will ever think you are crazy or drunk or "special" - people will respect you for it, embrace you for it, and you will be a better person for it
miserably yours,
Sarah M.
If you are happy, you are either on medication or you need to be - your kid is energetic and enjoys running around? He has ADHD, put him on Ritalin - your mom is middle aged and just doesn't have that vitality she once had? Time to suggest anti-depressants!
If this is not the case then you are drunk - drinking is the middle class dream - we work hard for our money, why wouldn't we want to spend it all on binge drinking and feeling like shit the next day? It makes us feel happy so that must mean we are happy...oh, you can drink like a camel and not feel like shit the next day? You, sir, must be a champion and not an alcoholic at all!! Congratulations!
And that girl who goes "oh I don't drink, I don't need to get drunk to have a good time" she has a spoon up her nose for damn sure. If she doesn't, check out her super cool wristbands or her appropriate length skirt...shes a cutter.
We need our things to MAKE us happy, because there is nothing to just plain be happy about - and when we find someone who seems happy, we gossip about what must be wrong with them because there is no reason to be happy if you are an American
So do yourself a favor and just always look miserable - no one will ever think you are crazy or drunk or "special" - people will respect you for it, embrace you for it, and you will be a better person for it
miserably yours,
Sarah M.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Entry #1
well, you guessed it - this is just one more blog for someone on the Internet to jot their ideas, bitch about nothing, and stalk other blogging friends
I've wanted to start a new one outside of livejournal...yes people still use livejournal...so thank you heather and nikki for giving me the kick in the ass I needed - I hope to be a frequent guest writer on your blog, or about your blog, as I have already expressed to you my want of producing the Heather & Nikki show
here's to hoping this one turns out less sucky than the crap I have over at live journal or the non existent ones I have on facebook and myspace! just one more blog, but hopefully nothing like the rest!
excitedly yours,
Sarah M.
I've wanted to start a new one outside of livejournal...yes people still use livejournal...so thank you heather and nikki for giving me the kick in the ass I needed - I hope to be a frequent guest writer on your blog, or about your blog, as I have already expressed to you my want of producing the Heather & Nikki show
here's to hoping this one turns out less sucky than the crap I have over at live journal or the non existent ones I have on facebook and myspace! just one more blog, but hopefully nothing like the rest!
excitedly yours,
Sarah M.
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