As a friend of Heather and Nikki, I have learned to always be prepared...for zombies
Zombies are a very real threat - The epidemic is a sneaky and fast spreading one - All it takes is one little nibble and there you are, one of the un-dead - The only way to beat it, is to over come it, and you do that by staying alive...so here are some tips on how to survive a zombie attack
First things first, and this should be an obvious one, DO NOT become a zombie - You will become more interested in eating brains than shooting your fellow zombies in the head, so just don't do it! At the sign of the first moaning, incoherent person you see, pick up a form of weaponry and get the fuck out of there! You might want to double check if its early in the morning or before your boss has had their coffee - Sometimes people you may think are zombies are really regular people who are hungover or just plain tired...you don't want to get fired for bludgeoning your boss in the face with your stapler when there really is no threat of a zombie take over - Then you are shit out of luck for an extra place to go when the zombies DO attack
Most zombies became zombies because they were too trusting of zombie family members - Zombies always go after their own kin first, just like vampires...easy pickin's! - So if you are late to rise and didn't get a chance to leave your house before you noticed the zombies, pick up a form of weaponry and get the fuck out of there! Your mom is NOT checking to see if you got up for school yet, shes checking to see if your brains are still nice and human for the eating - Your grandfather is NOT trying to give you a hug, he is trying to bite your face off - Kill them both and roll out
This is a great time to discuss types of weaponry - An important fact is the longer the range, the better the weapon - while throwing hard objects is always a quick way out, it wont last forever...once you throw something, if its not on a string, you would have to retrieve it, and trust me, you aren't getting out alive if you run into a crowd of zombies to pick up the stapler you thew when you realized your boss was, in fact, a zombie - Guns, rifles, cross-bows, cannons, missile launchers and bazookas are great...but all require ammo, so have a back up! Anything that blows up will give you time you might not have had without it, but the ultimate weapon in zombie killing is a sword, preferably a samurai sword (e.g. katana: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katana) - if you don't have one, don't worry, a long piece of wood, preferably one with a sharpened edge, or with knives affixed to the side would be an OK substitute until you looted a place that would have a samurai sword...and yes, it is OK to loot when zombies are attacking - When everyone is fighting for their life, ethics go out the window
ALWAYS aim for the head - zombies will get back up if you don't destroy their brains - don't hold out and hope that a zombie will eat another zombie - they are oblivious to each other as they are to everything that is not human - a zombie's sole purpose is to feed on humans so they do not decompose into nothing - even when you are the un-dead you look out for yourself, because people are selfish...even in the afterlife
So now that you've got your make-shift sword and you've officially gotten the fuck out of there, where are you going? The entire neighborhood is full of zombies and you just killed your mom and grandpa - Naturally, you are coming to find me! You will only last so long on your own, so form a group with every person you find that is not a zombie and get on the move, however if a person is nicked, leave them behind, they will only end up eating you later if you keep them around
If you have nothing to fight for, you wont be able to keep up the struggle, so just keep thinking about this blog and how my friends and I are just relaxing, killing zombies and waiting to start the new world order since we are always prepared for a zombie attack and will of course have everything under control where we are - Unfortunately, I can not disclose the whereabouts of our company until after the zombies have attacked - If a person who reads this blog becomes a zombie before anyone really notices there are zombies, we would all be screwed - So get yourself to a radio station and try to find our signal - if you cant pick up a signal, try getting to a computer to read this blog, I will no doubt be bitching about how zombies are just like drunks
Now you know how to survive a zombie attack - To be extra prepared, take up fencing or archery - To be even more prepared, make sure your friends read this post and you all discuss your own plan for surviving zombies - There is never a limit to how prepared you are against the supernatural - Good luck! I anticipate saving your life someday!
vitally yours,
Sarah M.
